“People in the drive-thru ask if I’m JaMarcus Russell. I tell them no, then tell them yes as they drive off.”

Everything > guru

Maverick > Disruptor > Visionary

Anyone who refers to themselves as a maverick probably is selling you a load of caribou shit.

You like that!

Tony Romo was also hurt during the play.

In any case, all of the players should be kicked off of the team, and the Notre Dame should be kicked out of the NCAA, and the United States should be kicked out of the United Nations, and the Earth should be kicked out of Ye Olde Solar System.

I would’ve thought that the fact that you don’t own a pool would’ve been the biggest reason not to have a pool boy, but I’m not one to judge...

You would think this national embarrassment would lead to no one ever hiring a Brazilian pool boy again, but my stay at home wife STILL thinks Gabriel is just irreplaceable. sheesh.

I worked briefly at a software company where one of the engineers was named Lee Wei. I remember thinking that they sure did let him get away with a lot of stuff.

It is my hope that I will have a similar attitude towards my marriages.

“95 yards? He clearly got the ball at the 15 yard line, bro.”

Wrong. You can very much fuck up birds. I fucked up a whole bunch this morning. Really punched the shit out of them. Fucking parrots. Go back to South America or where-ever.

Let’s hope their fan promotions nights go off without a hitch!

If we can’t laugh at kids then what are we doing, really

• Athletes with facial hair are less effective than they would be if they were hairless.
  

I totally understand where the Thunder are coming from on this one. The longer they keep me waiting, the less money I give waiters.