The skeptic in me wonders just how he managed to tweet about his predicament if he was falling through the sky. The trauma alone of being ejected through the toilet into a low oxygen atmosphere would likely render him unable to text or even speak.

I hate it when this happens to me. This is why it should be replaced with a tiny joke hole that’s just for farts.

Exact same for me - all-time top 10, seen infinite times, love every minute of it starting with the fucking Bimmer salesman on the phone..”The smell is making you sick? It’s a normal smell...from a protective coating” (Hangs up, looks at Daniel) “Hey, you look GREAT! Have you lost weight?”  

You like-ah steaks?

This is damn exciting stuff. 

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the guy who doesn’t understand that it can be pleasurable to give pleasure to another isn’t very good in bed.

Shoutouts to the guy sitting directly behind me opening weekend who immediately repeated that line and continued to do so every few minutes, at full volume, for the rest of the film.

Fuck, what a loss. A true national treasure. RIP Rip.

“...And when I masturbate, which I sometimes do after a shower...”

For the life of me I can’t understand why they keep recording these segments and who gets excited about them.

But I thought friends were the friends we made along the way?

I have had philips HUE bulbs for about two years now, and I can say with conviction they are my favorite smart home device of any kind. Mainly because I am lazy, and being able to say “turn off all the lights” when i go to bed, or “turn on all the lights” when i get home, is tremendously empowering in my otherwise…

As an English major this is my favourite light bulb joke: How many liberal arts graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but 27 applied for the job.

“This club has everything—bingo, bears, levitation, funeral pyres, a game worryingly called ‘skin the fool,’ Dan Cortese . . .”

“How do I prepare my own kids for recognizing toxic people”

I don’t know what it is about that name, but just about every Max I’ve ever met has turned out to be a fucking piece of trash. Junior high/high school bully- check. Asshole I used to skate with - check. Guy I used to work with - check. All flaming trashbags.

This guy is a pig and belongs in jail if even one of these stories are true.

Her book Secondhand Time is one of the best things I’ve ever read. 

As someone with autism, I’m very curious how many of them would be willing to say to my face “I’d rather my kid be dead than be like you.”

Anytime I hear someone say they won’t eat leftovers, I know two things: their mom didn’t work, and they had plenty of money growing up.