Ed Sheeran seems entirely fine and inoffensive to me. That is the sum total of every take I have ever had on him and I’ve never really understood why people get all up in arms about him.

Apparently, Elton recently visited a record store in Vancouver where he walked out with $200 worth of Scritti Politti albums, which is totally amazing and basically cancels out the Ed Sheeran stuff forever.

It has been my dream to sleep in a museum since I read that book. Why hasn’t anyone turned that into a movie???

And how do I get out of the grays? I haven’t caused any trouble!

There have always been these four books, epic and massive books, that I was too afraid to read but really wanted to. Moby Dick, War and Peace, Don Quixote, and The Count of Monte Christi. Over the past year, I read three of the four and started the last one on Wednesday. I know this isn’t a big deal, but it is big for…

How dare they get my hopes up—I would love to go full “Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler”!

I thought Pitch Perfect 3 was the joke ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Congratulations!

Some people don’t know how to go to weddings without buying an ugly vase though

We did a semi-honeyfund; basically a “you don’t have to get us anything, we’re v poor so money would be amazing, if you want to suggest a honeymoon activity/souvenir with the money we would love that!”. Most people just gave cash (but that’s normal in Ireland), some gave us cute suggestions or said, like “put part of…

I guess no one wants to hear a pop song about a healthy relationship.

I would put “you’ve really got a hold on me “in the same category.

I’m convinced that a large percentage of the population has poor listening comprehension.

Stephen Hawking is 75 years old. At age 21, he was told he had about two years to live. No point to this except that every time I see his name I remember how old he is and think “man that guy is tenacious.”

How large are the raccoons where you live? Remind me never to visit there.

And Marla was secretly listening in with her hands clasped and eyes to the lord praying “please, please, Emma, say ‘yes!’”

Salma Hayek...and his first move was to have the National Enquirer print a story saying he didn’t want to date her because she’s short (wtf). Then he called her to let her know that was fake news and that he’d be happy to date her. 

I kind of imagine a science fiction where a time-travelling future Emma Thompson arrives back in 1998, and explains what happens. And Emma Thompson in her British way stiffens her upper lip, marches to the dinner date, and then devotes the next 20 years keeping Donald leashed and locked up in a wardrobe to save…

Anyone who is appalled by the tone of this email is adorably inexperienced when it comes to receiving emails from the executive leadership down to middle management and below. The genre is always self-congratulatory and filled with ‘team wins’ that mean nothing to the recipients, but the execs feel like ‘sharing the…

he looks like an even shittier, more stoned version of John Mayer