Meanwhile, on the men's side, the U.S. Ambassador of Headers and Beautiful Goals is, as a best case scenario, having his diaper changed.

Football Is Even More Exciting With A Spanish Announcer

Pirate Wench: Hey Bill, how's it going?

Many Bostonians will read this front cover with smug looks on their faces, run home, and shout, "look Eileen, we just got a hockey, basketball and football team!"

Meanwhile, Waco's favorite prostitute is befuddled by the one-week drop in demand for her special $27.50 "Bible-talk Hand Job."

Yes, but you see, it's not the heavy blows to the head that leads to brain trauma and dementia in retirement. The culprit is actually the more frequent but lesser impact blows, like when his head repeatedly hits the shower wall when being butt-fucked in jail.

September 16, 2011

Ram Rule 6: Every time you hear a Steven Jackson muscle or tendon crack like a bull whip, you go eerily silent, daydream about 1999, and golf clap as he is carted off the field.

+1

That was a seminal moment in history - the first time a group had a good laugh at a hindrance's expense in the middle east since a bunch of Jews were walking through the Red Sea.

Somewhere in New Zealand, a lonely farmer is furiously flipping through his local library's Encyclopedia Britannica, trying to figure out what the "no huddle offense" is.

Because it was at some classier type of establishment, we wore sports coats.

Hey my girlfriend uses that stuff! She says it could be one of the best mascaras on the shelf, except that it runs too much, reacts poorly with the heat, and for some crazy reason, the bottle is almost impossible to find when she really needs it.

Joe Morgan's photo-shoot wasn't going well until a desperate intern pretended to field a phone call, then falsely exclaimed, "I don't believe it! The motorcycle and sidecar carrying Billy Beane and Bill James just spontaneously burst into flames?"

Don't need no meows, we don't need no cats.

OK, I'll be the first to stand up for Mr. Rhymes here. How many musicians have enough material to sing continuously for 2.5 days?

This is nothing. Wait 'til Welker's spot for Teva comes out during the Jets game.

Ha!

For this weekend, you HAVE to take the OVER 38 on Steelers - Ravens. Easiest pick in NFL history. And make sure to grab -533 on a Tafoya / Kasey sex-tape. Free money!

And my girlfriend was all like ... "You're well out of college!" "You need to grow up and stop drinking like this!" and "This is disgusting!," but I knew there a reason I shat myself after passing out in front of the T.V. last night.