It cost us (USA) roughly $1,188,263,000,000 to kill that .......... guy. #Needshelpwithsignificantfigure...

Today in Terrifying Leads

Mounties say a supporter has been reprimanded following a Canadian soccer game that was interrupted by a lost, wandering Inuit and ended with players slightly raising their voices at the match official.

Eager to hop aboard this gravy train, John Steigerwald just finished up his latest piece: If Those Buildings Weren't So Tall and Wide, They'd Still Be Standing

Fat Peter Gammons (Turns around): Do you mind cooling it with the homophobic and ethnic slurs for a little while? I'm trying to transfer my love of baseball down a generation to my retard daughter.

Pictured: Young fan's reaction to announcement of signing free agent PG Justin Bieber. And also ... FrEE SiLlY BaNdZ!!!!!

Kolber forgot to read the last part of the e-mail, where Ingram Sr. added, "And son, if you ever find yourself with the ball in your hands, needing a critical first down to extend a potential Super Bowl winning drive, and there are five defenders in your way, my best advice to you is to be playing the Bills."

An attempted rebuttal, when a few OSU fans attempted to travel to Michigan to rent space for their stupid billboard reply (cHOKE artists or something dumb like that), was derailed at the first Sonic sighting.

I just want to access my capital. That's all I want. I want to sit on it. Leap onto it from a diving board. Breast-stroke my way through it. Bathe in it. Is that crazy? Do you not watch Duck Tales?!?

Well now it's a legal quagmire. Reports have Aunt Jemima entering the fray - claiming "the year of the batter" refers to every year since the invention of pancakes.

they sat there listening to the steady 7 scream "Jesus fucking Christ!!" over and over and over

Former Lowe teammate Tim Wakefield was spotted on the Tea-Cup ride at the local fair.

Why did you hit me?

Best bum (butt) competition

And one waaaaay late thanks to you Sharting.

After hearing this, Coach K decided to prove that there are two sides to this religious coin - and began actively recruiting anyone with names that could remind people not all of His gifts are all that great: Mortality Evans, Cancer Greene and Period Blood McGee

Also destined to die slowly in the ocean due to a lack of steering ability?

a monkey jamming a flashlight up its own ass

People who have not lived in the area have no right to talk. You don't realize that this is a small, young portion of the populace who happened to spot an easy target in a stadium restroom. They in no way represent the much larger, more vociferous roving bands of assholes who taunt transplants to the area trying to…

One prospective buyer spills the beans to Fortune and it's not pretty.