Patrick Juice is my new porn name.

a flurry of twat mist

There are people who think masturbation in a relationship constitutes cheating. Most of us refer to those people as "complete fucking lunatics."

You just broke the comment euphemism density record.

OMG what the hell is that??

Typically I just yell "Last one to finish does the dishes" and make it a race.

"Save your protest energy for more important matters, like wet towels on the bed."

There is nothing wrong with his pants. It is just that Riker is a man who doesn't sit. He mounts.

About 2/3rds of the country thinks the Patriots cheat. And about 2/3rds of the country think the Patriots will win the Super Bowl.

Hold on Barry, you actually expect me to believe that the NFL knew about a problem and failed to act on it?

I can put it in easier to understand terms: The balls were underinflated by 2 PSI from the required 12.5. That's a 20% decrease. You'd definitely notice the ball is more squishy when it's missing a fifth of the air it's supposed to have.

It seems strange that in today's day and age, teams even have a chance to tamper with the balls. I know babysitting is expensive these days, but it seems like a multi-billion dollar company could afford to pay someone to watch footballs for a few hours. I heard Greg Anthony was available.

2psi doesn't sound like much until you consider that 10psi is 16.6667% under inflation when compared to the average (12psi) ball.

I've officiated. Its tough to feel a 2 psi difference if you're not really "handling" the balls. If you notice, the only official that really handles the ball is the Umpire who catches it and then tries to spot it down as fast as he can. To notice the difference, you really have to grab it and squeeze it a bit. Only…

When Bill Bellichick heard the news of this report earlier tonight, he promptly fired the team's equipment manager for failing to do his fucking job right by not under-inflating that 12th goddamned football.

So 2 pounds of pressure is a pretty tangible change. How did the referee handle the ball on every down and not notice any issue?

My god, this will make an amazing urinal.

So each team gets to legally doctor the footballs they use...but we're complaining that they doctored the footballs they used?

Don't do it! He'll bring over weird tasting nacho dip and won't leave your house!

Driving at those speeds on a public road is, to me, the same as firing a gun into a crowd of people.