"Yes, she has one breast and I haven't asked her name"

"some altar boy hostage situation that frankly seems too small potatoes for a king" Except that they had gun powder and were going to kill themselves and a bunch of children to further their cause and, boom, terrorism metaphor! Or just terrorism, anyway modern implications and all that.

"I have a second chance at life, so the next time I'm looking at death I'll do it without regrets" "Do you regret marrying me?" He almost died! This is not actually about you! Also they need to stop with the random "You gave up being the King of England for me!" lines about Conde. Since we all know, no he didn't, he…

No, not at all. Not sure what I going for there.

To be fair, Howard was clearly bored out of his mind and didn't want to be there.

Sean Bean plays her secretly evil rebound boyfriend?

What's also fun is Ashley had been basically saying the same thing.

He had his own tailor make his costumes.

You know, Melanie doesn't get nearly enough credit while we're discussing this book's feminism. No, she's not the one who built a lumber empire or had that "I'll never go hungry again!" moment. She's just the one who survived giving birth and riding in the back of a bumpy cart with her newborn through a city that was…

Yeah but looking at it with modern eyes it's a love story between a man in his 30s who falls for the the hottest, most popular high school girl at the party and then spends the next decade complaining that she's immature. Dude, she's half your age.

Except she's 15, yes I've seen that one. She met a boy online and when they really meet he he's a grown man who actually just puts her on his porn website.

Why are actors I recognize in that?!

That's part of why I was finding Drew Peterson: I am Untouchable, Bitch much harder to laugh at than most of these. It was good enough, and he was good enough in it, that it was hard to get past the…oh yeah, this guy actually exists, and hadn't been convicted yet, and lived and worked (as a cop!) like an hour away…

Case in point, Identity Theft: the Michelle Brown Story. Starring Kimberley Williams-Paisley (who has done a lot of Lifetime) and the mentally unstable, ethnically ambiguous woman who doesn't just ruin her credit, she tries to become her!

I totally did use lifetime movies in a presentation for my Senior Seminar! It was a film meditations on mental health class and I was doing it on the ways movies present dubious or totally false information as absolute fact by having a doctor character say them.

Very true

How have they not just given in and called one of the sequels Fast Family?

But she did also basically say "If The Rock had come to tell me my spouse was still alive, I'd have been out of here before you even woke up"

Using him and/or Ludacris to make fun of The Rock and how much bigger he gets every time they see him "We just work for the Hulk now?!" is key as well.

Apparently he did one of those "Who do you think you are?" shows, the PBS version, and his Savannah ancestor owned 25 slaves. Affleck made them pull his segment on that episode, I guess. Which is silly, because finding out your ancestors owned slaves (or did something else horrible) is usually what happens on those…