I work two jobs and have a baby and I’m always too busy to go to the doctor. Which is how I ended up putting ACV and hydrogen peroxide on my dish of cells. When I finally went in, my OB was like: Sweetie, this is the reddest, angriest vag I’ve seen in years, and I thought we talked about not believing the Internet…

If this is what helps you sleep at night, okay, spam avalanche monster. 

Failing to have empathy doesn’t make you strong—it makes you a monster.

If the canon of Chrisses is the football team, Chris O’Dowd is the hilarious and fun dude in your art class who makes a clay teapot with a penis for a spout because Mrs. Travarini is half blind and gives everyone an A. What I’m saying is that they are apples and he is an orange and apples are stupid and oranges are…

None of this shocks me. I applied to Planned Parenthood while I was eight months pregnant and felt a ton of pressure to promise to start work after just four weeks of maternity leave. This wasn’t for a clinical position, and I know everything’s always an emergency at nonprofits, but it felt gross and I was relieved…

Please don’t hold up the lines!!! Imagine being a parent trying to get through to someone for information about your child. I get what you’re trying to do, but those lines need to be as unobstructed as possible, please—they are literally lifelines for terrified parents. As much as I’d like to think a stern lecture is…

I’m a big big big fan of Boy Brow, and Cloud Paint is super fast and lasts and looks cute and fresh. Lidstar is not that great—it’s kind of too glittery, and it’s thin to wear alone, so it ends up being a primer, which is not a good value for $18. I use a light color of Lidstar as a highlighter instead and it’s okay.

THANK YOU. There is so little civility left on this earth. (And I don’t mean civility politics: Nazis still get punched.) I am with you on this crusade for etiquette and basic decency, and I will not rest until people learn how to navigate sidewalks with consideration for others around them, how to follow basic…

The key word there is “recorded.” Hard to record your shark attack if they really chewed you up good and dead with their sharp, sharp shark teeth.

Relax.

MSP is suuuuuuch diiiiiiiicks about jam! They took my fucking quince jelly! Fuckers!

...Mom?

LL Bean’s CEO isn’t a Trump supporter: it’s Linda Bean, one of 50-ish descendants of Leon Leonwood who have financial stakes in the company. She’s an asshole, but the company generally has been progressive in its values and philanthropic to progressive causes. Plus their flannel rocks.

They speak English in Nigeria.

I just saw her and George at an event in Kennebunkport. (Kennebunk? Kennebunkport? I don’t care). I can accurately inform you that while Babs is wee, she is probably definitely taller than four feet tall. I am five feet tall, and I would have noticed if she came up to my nipples. I’m not allowed to drink at work…

I used to cater-waiter weddings in the summer at my college for extra cash, and my college ballroom was the one venue super young couples could usually afford. They ALL danced to Etta’s “At Last,” and we’d be like: WHUT. You just started menstruating three years ago, child. At last my ass. I still can’t hear that song…

You are beyond gorgeous and look so happy!

Don’t go. I have a similar “friendship” with a frienemy who used to be my codependent bestie when we were both drunk and pathetic. It was always a crappy, competitive, backbiting relationship, and I started backing out of the friendship as my mental health and self esteem improved. I don’t miss that bitch at ALL. And…

Um chill

Word. My dress is a blush raw silk shantung and it crushes.