Literally the only way this is acceptable is if either one or maybe both of them are on their way to my house to marry me instead

Hint: Take the sticker off your $350 Le Crueset, Taylor, you asshole.

I bet the junebugs are even more freaked out

I’ve had mine for SIX YEARS and it’s still in good shape. I would marry my hair dryer except my cute hair and extra time landed me a fiancé so I’m good.

I’ve had mine for SIX YEARS and it’s still in good shape. I would marry my hair dryer except my cute hair and extra…

Five to seven minutes is the average time it takes for me to get bored and fake a convincing orgasm.

“Corn stripper.”

Fazed.

Ooooh I love your pretty dress!

Um.

Jimmy Jones Jr. was president of my alma mater, Kalamazoo College, and I strongly believe that he is in no way sexist; my experience with him was quite the opposite. I think he was truly taken aback at the Hail Mary attempts he encountered at a school that has obviously failed.

Keep on keepin' on... not getting it at all.

You're a regular Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King' Jr., who notably said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to good service everywhere."

I woke up one morning convinced that I was dying... I was coated from neck to belly in something red and sticky, and my head was killing me.

This, so completely. I help counsel underserved kids into college, and a lot of them don't know what they want to be when they grow up. The boys especially will say that they want to be in the NFL or be successful in business, but that's sometimes as far as they've been in their thinking. They know that they want to…

U Chicago MO = casually mention and then forensically detail nerdiness

Shut the fuck up, Tyler. There's a reason we've never had a President from Indiana.