The correct answer to that question is always “Bitch, please do.”

This suddenly started happening to my aunt. I thought it was because she had a series of small strokes last year! Tell me it’s just her new phone...

I thought you said maggot and I was right on board with you.

Wrapped up like a douche, and I'm a roller in the night..

Somebody please tell me she has a switchblade in that hair.

That’s actually a biological imperative - the kid’s pheromones are strongest near its fontanel, and you are checking to ensure your cub wasn’t swapped for someone else’s.

I think it’s more subtle than that. Yes, Michelle does things and works hard, but she has also been criticized for speaking out on some things. And the fact is that she does not do the kind of work she used to do. She has a law degree and could have a career and a body of work entirely outside of the White House, but…

Forget that wig.

The ways in which we, as a society, fail girls and women continue to astound me and fill me with rage.

I would eat a jar of bees to be the meat in a Jesse Williams - Trevor Noah sandwich. Or they could do stuff to each other while I watch. Either way, I'm gooooooodddddddddd.

Dr. Carson, is that you?

I’ll be on a conference call for the next hour. Please don’t enter my office, no matter what noises you hear.

Here you go:

Actually, I had a half-caff yesterday instead of my usual decaf. I think it made me pretty aggro, but I’m back to my usual mellow uncaffeinated self today. Smooches!

Who got paid to suggest, buff & polish, and implement this?

Sorry, but “magnificent revenge” does not apply to the asshole at Furr’s.

As a potential customer, I can just about guarantee it.

And you don’t deserve to kiss my ass. But I will kindly allow you to do so.

Mary is in a persistent vegetative state. She is not comatose. I realize that might make the headline too long, but it is germane to the underlying issue: could Matt have believed that Mary consented to their sex?

She has actually surrogate-mommed a friend of mine whose mother passed away. Because she promised she would. And helped with the wedding planning for another friend whose mother passed away.