My Mom would probably pay you, since I’m unlikely to get married. She will then help you pick out flowers, a wedding song, tell you repeatedly that you’re beautiful, and sob embarrassingly at the ceremony.

Are any of you in New York? Because I have totally been thinking about pimping out my Mom in this fashion. She is actually an amazing, although not perfect, Mom. She gives great career advice, makes me chicken soup from scratch if I’m really sick, and will help me hem my clothes.

What happened to you is a perfect example of what is wrong with the courts in this country. We don’t have the time, money, or will to insist that cases are judged in any kind of indivualized way. So, defendants are grouped into boxes - the man who assaulted you doesn’t fit into a “he belongs in a jail” box because he…

Now I want to change my screen name to Uppity Ratchety Ho.

Horny and hungry now. Thanks!

The ironic lack of self-awareness in your comment is actually opening up a vortex in space and time.

Yes. If you have an assload of $$ to keep in the bank, they’re happy to charge you a lot less for the privilege.

I believe in the (personal) power of prayer, but I really wish people would stop offering it up in times of trouble like they actually just did something for you. God doesn’t ask you to pray and then go sit back on your leather couch and watch your big screen tv, satisfied that you did some shit for those in need. Get…

And the getting bored with one boytoy, then moving on to the next? I guess this means Matt Bomer is going to end up in a stone sarcophagus on the roof. So Kathy Bates can burn Lady GaGa alive.

Can I cross-stitch this on a motherfucking pillow and sell that shit on Etsy? I’ll cut you in...

I totally forgot I was at the office and was just about to head to Google to search for a picture of a bright neon double headed d!ld0 as my response to you.

I’m so embarrassed. With me, that convo goes a whoooooolllllleee different way.

I .. can’t .. not .. look .. at ..it.

“I hef to allow giant furry orange slug man to mount me nightly and weegle his gold encrusted tiny penis in my beautiful beautiful vagina. That is why my eyes look so dead. Now go to sleep, my son.”

I have a gay friend who did this. If she called me to hang out, I knew she was between girlfriends.

I opened this, unsure whether or not it was going to be one of those “Faces of Death” situations.

I totally read this as:

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

“Better come?” Or what?