After I orgasm, I couldn’t move if you set my leg on fire. Is that not the case for everyone?

Does he think you found him in a basket? Or you did it that one time and didn’t like it, so you stopped?

I’m supposed to ruin my damn refractory period making you a damn sandwich?!

You know what’s truly awesome? Deciding what to do (or not do) with your own fuck parts.

I found a dead fly at the BOTTOM of my McDonald’s shake.

I just want to lick your lips from hearing about that fucking sandwich.

I’d be willing to bet that brothels (especially in Nevada) have a much more “immediate” system of justice for anyone harming the merchandise.

“Ted” Cruz, a “practicing” Christian.

You’re right. That was uncalled-for, and nowhere near as funny as it sounded in my head.

But then again I’m a young white woman so life is generally pretty easy for me.

I like your fanfic, and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Oh my God, are you me?

I guess he never watched The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys.

I believe Matt Damon.

Remember that asshole seatfiller who tried to diss Retta? That’s who goes to these parties.

People disrespect me on the C train almost every day. Can I start randomly shooting bitches tomorrow?

Kara, first of all, his quote was a stupid mille-feuille. Or maybe an idiot crepe cake. Or a jackass napoleon. Whatever, I want some dessert right about now.

Damn, if you’re telling me I have to cull my friends who’ve been riding bad dick, I’mma be lonely as hell.

“What the hell does that mean?”

I didn’t actually see it, but on a late flight back from San Juan a week ago, somebody did something bad enough at their seat that they actually had to bring a maintenance man onto the plane to remove the seat cushion.