Yep, that’s me, the redneck. Also a 6-year veteran of the US Army. And now I have to go turn the software over because if it gets too close to the compiler, the heat from the processor will turn the bits into useless goo, and that’s how I get that sunburn on my neck. L’Oreal is mostly up to the task, but not quite, so…

Traditionally, Tom & Katie weddings are short-lived.

My favorite eyeliner is the one somebody else applies perfectly to my face.

My favorite eyeliner is the one somebody else applies perfectly to my face.

This woman is the example of someone who deserves a measure of fame.

She has done nothing and deserves nothing.

The real plan is for Ivanka to marry Prince Harry shortly after Brexit, engineer a union between the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom, and then something something Trump becomes King of the Holy Anglo Empire.

It’s a gift shop.

Maybe he could find Jennifer Love Hewitt’s career.

Nick Denton found work. That’s good.

It’s like a choice between Nazi Carolina and Soviet Carolina.

Apparently you have never been to Seattle, where it is raining shade right now.

Those are Rice Krispie treats made with shredded corn husks before they are formed into squares.

I didn’t take this poll because I’m going to live forever.

Taylor Swift is a Saturn V compared to little Lola “Matson” Kirke.

“Vultures. Vultures everywhere. Good day, madam, good day, monsieur.”

The new code phrase is “Peanut Butter Jelly Time”

It’s IBM’s Watson.

Don’t you read The Awl? Gummy bears are the go to snack during your period.

No longer a mere pawn, I am a Queen.

Starburst Fruit Chews are the bomb. Bears are stinky.