That right there is a Youngstown boy. Yessiree.

You fly your freak flag right up the damn pole, Leo! There is no shame whatsoever in being tragically white. Rhythm is, like, SO overrated.

I wish they would stop cross posting Jezebel posts here on Deadspin.

I can haz sex of the group-type with all? Not the dead ones. That's creepy.

I'll just leave this here...

"...the circling creates a fuller feeling..." *furiously scribbling notes and planning extra core workouts*

I will also be referring to Kaley Cuoco as "The Whole Enchilada" henceforth.

I've had salad. Salad is a course that I enjoy. It has nothing to do with stripping.

Do you smell what the cock's cooking?

Lizzie, bubbe, if I thought I coulda got you to put your hand there while you were awake, I'da woke ya the fuck UP! But, y'know, the screaming and the air marshals.

Katy Perry with brightly colored hair? Bangtastic. Katy Perry with normal colored hair? Not quite as bangtastic but still smokin' hawt.

French Montana sounds like a fucking colony. She's dating a colony? What a horrid imperialist dog she is!

When will people accept that Lady Gaga is evil, pure and simple, from the 8th dimension?!

Am I the only one looking at those and going "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"? Just me? You goddamn lying whores!

I'm not a burner. *sad panda*

Since there is literally no possible way I could ever have seen this otherwise, I want to take a moment out of my furious fap-fest and say, "Thank you, Erin."

For $25k, she should have just written to J-Law's agents, expressed her undying devotion and offered the money to a charity of J-Jaw's choice in exchange for a set number of totally non-sexual lunches in really public places. Under SWAT team surveillance. At least then she gets the lunches.

LiLo, baby. I have the perfect bareback, er, come on your back, uhm, yeah, uh, part for you in my new indie. It's edgy. It's raw. It requires you to get down and dirty. It will keep them coming back for more. It's right up yer...alley. Call me.

Coulda been worse. Coulda been roadkill opossum.