Since it was Katy Perry, I assumed that mouth actually meant ass and was really looking forward to seeing Miley rimming her. And let's be honest, with that tongue, Miley could give a colonoscopy. Because she might be a robot. Sent here to recruit pedobears for the Betelgeuse Rebellion. I can haz rim-fic now?

I hate this movie so much that I had actually repressed Steve Zahn's role in it because his work in Happy, Texas earned him a lifetime pass in my book and I did not want him soiled by the utter horrificness of this schlockfest of pretension.

I think it's clear that Kim Kardashian's butt is the actual gestation point for Kelly Clarkson's baby that she is having with Bruce Jenner who is now a woman and so he and Kelly can be married as lesbianistas. No one should be even talking about Juan Pablo. If you are? You're part of the problem. Also? You're fat.

Also? Russian men are WAY into foreign men, And any men who are not trying to have them killed.

I like the words you use. Words in general. Words that you use, how you speak. So proper.

What is "The Bachelor"?

Wait. Lindy has a dong?

I think what she needs to ask herself is "Who Would Jesus Bone?"

IN for rimming!

As someone who's taken more than my fair share of dick pics (of my own, I am far too insecure about my cock size to go around looking at other cocks which might make me realize that it's even SMALLER than I thought), I applaud One PeePee as he is henceforth to be known. It takes a certain amount devil-may-care to snap…

K-Stew (pronounced kuh-stoo, like a sneeze, but with a k) is simply showing her props for her inevitable casting in the as yet unmade Sylvia Plath movie. I look for Dakota Fanning to publish a book of poetry soon to tout her greater affinity for the role which will go inconceivably to Emma Roberts (probably because…

IS that a freedom pole?

One of the women who participated in the study was quoted anonymously, "I was popping off like a firecracker and flopping like a landed mackeral. I bucked my man right off and continues spraying uncontrollably from my lady bits until dehydration set in. I can't imagine what it'll be like if he actually gets inside me…

OMG! What utter bullshit! Everyone knows that you look old because you're a bunch of cock-smoking sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts! Repent!

Wait. Gaga's going to be shot into space? Did she blow Terry Richardson?

Obviously, he should be stripped naked and flogged with...something. This should be filmed in HD with plenty of slo-mo closeups, sweaty grimaces and lingering...oh so MUCH lingering. That will show us, I mean him.

Brooklyn Decker is consistently fun and funny - and so hot that she makes the sun look like Uranus. I thought she made her football bones years ago doing web videos with Dr. Z on SI.com. She's always struck me as a down-to-earth person who was granted otherworldly beauty...and Andy Roddick. I think the list is funny.

As a Swan, I think I have a unique perspective on this. Firstly, I blame that commie DeBlasio. Secondly, my wife's oft-repeated mantra comes to mind, "Swans. Mean fucking birds."

Who is Robin McGraw?

I demand that every single Jezebel commenter who has ever said anything bad about my gf Miley - whom I've seen naked! - apologize and accept the glory of the Cyrus.