Nordstrom once, here. Cuz I'm classy like that, lol

This is one of my worst fears. I know you’re supposed to punch them straight in the nose, but I think I would just have a heart attack and drown before it even got close enough to be punched. And this is why I don’t swim in the ocean.

Sucks ALL the donkey dicks? There are no donkey dicks left for all the other people in hell? Way harsh, Tai.

badass lady steals diamonds: “i’m not even mad!” says LITERALLY EVERY PERSON.

Yeah, but resetting the boulder afterwards would be such a hassle.

Old rich ladies LOVE buying jewelry. And at a certain point they don’t have to give a shit if it’s technically an engagement ring, or an anniversary ring, or someone else’s birthstone. They’re like “wrap that shit up, I’m 84 and I want it.”

I kind of love that this 84 year old woman was able to walk into an upscale store and convince them she was in the market for a pricey engagement ring. I’m too embarrassed to walk into Tiffany’s and be caught even looking at anything for too long.

They need to make a biopic of Doris Payne.

It’s been done.

This story is relevant to my interests. I had sex in a dressing room at Banana Republic once, in the middle of the day. Nobody was publicly humiliated and I definitely was not calling him husband. I feel for the couple.

I wish they would pixilate it. Or cover it with a Glamour Magazine type black bar. Or a blank outline that says “Fucker’s Face here”

I understand this story is newsworthy, but goddamnit, I wish I didn’t have to see this assfuck’s face every fucking time I open a browser.

Closest I can get whilst sober :)

It also sounds like a cocktail at the world’s best theme bar!

dull or awesome, depending on if you used to drink or not : - )

I’m so in love with your President. I wish I could be around 100 yrs from now to see how he’s revered - AND HE WILL BE REVERED - in history.

Mary Poppins here. I fucking love everyone when I’m drunk and will sway up to you and tell you that you are the best human being alive and I respect you and also you are so pretty and nice that I don’t even deserve to know you, no, don’t look at me, I’m ashamed to have someone as wonderful as you look at me. People…

I hope it involves a blenderful of Margaritas, pajamas and the latest season of Orange is the New Black.

I wouldn’t describe a bain marie as a “special piece of equipment.” A metal bowl over a pot of heated water is something most people can manage. You would think in the near 200 years since the death of Marie-Antoine Carême that the idea sauces are so difficult would have died out, but it persists.