Damn, this sucks. I feel really bad for whoever has to face Judge Case in fantasy football this season.

Your parenthetical is perplexing. You went from Messi not starting a fight “with a guy that [sic][recte who] is clearly physically superior” (despite the fact that he obviously just did start a fight) to something, I can only infer, relates to gun violence in the U.S. by people you assume have a Napoleonic Complex…

What my sink looked like the last time I tried to chop veggies drunk.

Is this the moment when more people start to realize that Messi is just as big of a raging asshole as anyone else? My guess is no, they’ll blame Yanga-Mbiwa for nudging Messi while he was dribbling past him and he’ll escape with a slap on the wrist. He/Nike/Barca/Ray Hudson have done a lovely job covering it up thus…

It was nice of Mapou to bend down so that Messi didn’t have to run and get his head-butting stool from the sidelines.

As in all things, Messi is no Zidane.

“So what am I supposed to do if I’m supermanning some ho, and this other bitch wants me to eat her out while sticking a bottle of Crystal into some other hoochie’s coo-coo?”

WHY DON’T THEY JUST MAKE THE WHOLE CONDOM OUT OF SALIVA THEN?!!?!

Fascinating!

Chop an onion, chop some garlic, chop a red pepper ... are you just trying to get drunk people to mutilate themselves, or what?

Holy shit. What is it with dudes getting drunk, making food, and passing out before said food is out of the oven/toaster/whatever??!!

This is a small contrast to your last post, “How to Eat More (And Better) Fruits and Vegetables So You Don’t Die”.

So...I once cooked sausages on a hot plate, left the grease burning for a day, took a couple of xanax the next night, woke up to firemen breaking down my locked door while the alarm blared and coughing through the heavy smoke, in a room that shouldn’t have been occupied in my frat house in the first place as a fire…

I see you’ve overlooked my classic, “Fishsticks that you put in an oven that was too hot and then blacked out and woke up thinking you set your house on fire (I’m never drinking again).”

It’s pretty much a staple in my house.

PLEASE!!! If you eat a shitfaced bowl of sauteed onions, DO NOT invite me over the next day!

I'm actually thinking of pitching that to Deadspin as a piece. Will It Punt?!

Nah, wouldn’t you replace your ENTIRE team with defensive players except the kicker? So, you kick the field goal on literally the first snap of your offensive possession and then just let your two defenses go to work. Your defense(s) would stay relatively fresh while the opposing offense would become tired. All you’d…

Don’t forget the barrels of hand lotion, it will be worth a fortune on the black market when the government makes it a controlled substance.

re. the FG kicker question, you’d also need like 12-15 surehanded WRs on your roster as the opposing team would onside kick it every chance they had. what would they care if you started on your 25 or their 40.

if the government banned porn