You get what you pay for.

Everyone’s an armchair assassin.

I work with children with disabilities. For the past 3 months, I have been working with a 7-year-old who had a stroke. He is back to walking recently. Last week, I walked into his 2nd-grade classroom to get him. He was sitting with a group of kids on the floor doing some lesson. He saw me and immediately got up on his…

Re: Walking,

I wanted to vote for Cletorious, but I couldn’t find the button. 

Why did I watch that? What the fuck am I doing with my life?

True story: went to a small high school in northern New England (like 60 kids per class). We had an English exchange student join us for his senior year, and he was, as you might imagine, instantly the best player on our soccer team. EVERY single game he’d get a yellow card for swearing. One game he got double…

Turkish assassins also expressed relief that they wouldn’t have to sit through a Knicks-Wizards game. 

if it’s anything like the Nats’ usual approach to game theory, they’ll be unable to get past the first round

Ben Simmons almost turned him into Joel Embid.

“That’s the first time he’s done that this year.”

2019 sports beef is off to a tremendous start.

YOU’RE just there, occupying the meat space...

PLAYING BASEBALL WHEN ACCIDENTALLY STRUCK OWN TESTICLES SWINGING A BAT

• FELL OFF TOILET, FELL ONTO A MOUSE TRAP, TRAP CLOSED ON PENIS

The worse thing to happen to Dan Snyder is that Skins fans are apathetic.

“SLIPPED & FELL ON WET FLOOR AT HOME & ALSO HAS HAD SEX TOY STUCK IN VAGINA FOR 8 MONTHS”

No. I have to say ‘tchup is the bro-iest thing you’ve ever written, and I hope you take that as the insult it’s meant to be. No amount of irony is safe from bro-iness. Please never again.

Exactly. I’m not worried, though. I’m certain that Ashley Feinberg will clear this up for us in a follow up post. She really is great here at Deadspin.