Every single time I read something like this I immediately get myself pregnant just so I can have an abortion.

Ah, looks like it's the ole "put things in each other's asses" portion of every sports team field trip.*

Remember before the Internet when people just fucking proposed with a goddamn ring in a champagne glass/piece of chocolate cake/etc.?

"You can't make crispy bacon bowls in the goddamn microwave. That is not how microwaves or bacon work."

"Madonna has built her entire career on passing off other people's innovations as her own and making sure the original authors of things don't get as much credit for their work as she does." -Hillary Clinton

I am not 'Hilary Clinton.' And please stop using something I wrote to promote your goddamn album.

I'm sure its about deep personal intimacy, companionship, love (...and sex).

This bodes well for my plan to start decoupaging that dresser on my next bus ride.

This is spectacular and just what I needed because it makes sitting-in-my-office-hell seem just that little bit better. Also, every time I drive through a craphole town and see a billboard for a wedding expo I think I'm going to set my next dystopian novel at a wedding expo.

Dollar store Lenny Kravitz

Whoever he was...we mourn him...

I actually think that delivering it on air is a big deal and not really a "safety net." It draws even more attention to the matter, as opposed to releasing a statement that she'd apologized personally to Zendaya and then hunkering down to wait for it to blow over. I thought that it was pretty decent, as far as…

I gotta say, I appreciate this apology. It was way better than her "sorry you were offended" tweet, and I like that she says that she has taken the time to learn something about why what she said was wrong.

That Trefoils is in the top three—ahead of Tagalongs, no less—is a goddamn travesty and I am ashamed to work here.

The other day I was leaving from work and noticed the tell-tale green box of Thin Mints lying in the road. Then I saw a sleeve of the cookies scattered across the road, but I couldn't find the second sleeve. I slowed to a crawl and scoured the area, finally noticing the intact roll of deliciousness resting, apparently…

As usual, my comment will stay in the greys because apparently I will always be part of the Gawker underclass.

If you like hard ass, crumbly bullshit you'll love eating shortbread

You know who has really great skin? Beck.