good. I always try to be respectful, but my manbrain fucks up on occasion

• Sophie Turner is dating Ansel. Let’s call them Sansel.

See this isn’t fair I finally broke my bachelor fixation last season because JoJo was The Bachelorette and since I didn’t watch her season wasn’t planning on watching The Bachelor but I still do watch Bachelor in Paradise and they managed to make me go from really disliking Nick....to kind of adoring him. Damn it now…

THE MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR REVEAL EVER

I was actually shocked. Because of the unfamiliar facial hair I thought it was Robbie and was bored for three seconds until I freaked out. It explains why he’s been getting the Redemption Edit on BiP (the finest piece of television trash I have ever seen). I didn’t realize he was the “Why did you make love to me if…

I think ABC finally learned their lesson after super boring farmer Chris and the snooze fest that was Ben’s season. Luke would have been more of the same, so I’m glad they chose somebody slightly more interesting. However, Nick is not a guy I can imagine as someone I would seriously want to marry. Nick seems to be the…

Agreed, Wells would have been great.

Not gonna lie. I’ll be watching.

HERE FOR THIS!!!!

He was chosen because Chase and Luke had the personality of tranquilized sloths.

Oh god. This is going to be hilarious. Nick has no chill and no discretion, and the contestants are going to really put their acting skills to work to seem like they actually want a ring from a guy who apparently has a lot of sexual magnetism but who I can't imagine anyone wanting to marry.

No kidding. Tamir Rice he ain’t.

“Fuck the police” and “Y’all can suck a fart out my ass for all I care.”

Holy shit, this guy is bad at.......life in general I guess?

Ben and Lauren are two very polite pieces of half-defrosted gluten-free white bread

I was already kind of pissed that I spent 2-3 months of my life watching these two “shades of beige” paint sample strips talk about how excited they were to talk to each other... it would be a creative form of torture to watch them struggle to find a new topic. Ooh! He threw her a piece of fruit at the supermarket and…

What other medical procedures are people allowed to be harassed for seeking out? Can I stand outside a cancer treatment center and tell people they just need to eat carrots? Can I block people from entering orthodontists because they should totally just keep their wisdom teeth?

“I have access to a car, but it would be poor judgement to drive that car when I could use public transportation!” Is essentially what you just said.

I could see what kind of car an applicant drove up in being another one of these. For both men and women.