If you can’t masturbate in a bar at 9:15AM in Vegas then where can you masturbate in a bar at 9:15AM at?

Thank you for acknowledging that I made a joke

So many people do not understand the risk he takes by playing without having that longterm guaranteed money. The hundreds of people commenting on his posts about how he screwed them because they drafted him with their 1st round fantasy football pick is frankly disgusting. Who gives a shit that you drafted the guy, if…

in fairness, a hand injury ended that guy’s career

As an Oiler fan, how do I lobby the NHL for an 80 game suspension?

It’s possible that the Lions will never, ever stop being the Lions.

Seriously. Same for the Giants and Skins. No NFC East matchups should be on prime time this season.

Am I being a bush-league Robin Hood or a total wet blanket when I rally against people buying shit that they don’t want just to charge more money from the person who really does want it?  I have a similar take on sporting event/concert tickets. 

Lojack Horseman.

It held Brock Osweiler to 139 yards on 15 completions

Everyone at the game knew what he was doing the second he reached under that pad and they fucking loved it. It was a fun bit of fan service and the entire fox broadcast crew can be sewn together in a human centipede ouroboros and eat shit forever for all I care. 

A parent posting on the Anti-MLM subreddit said their kid received a special package to give to their mommy, which contained a sample of flavored lube and an invitation to come to the next pyramid scheme dildo party.  I think that takes the cake.

You are the first sports blogger to liken an entire team as garbage.

When you’re living rent free in the libs heads AND your mom’s basement

Welcome to Deadspin, Dennis Miller.

INTERIM coaching the Cleveland Browns.  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

He also has a really hot Canadian girlfriend. But you can’t see her picture, because they don’t have cameras in Toronto.

I suppose if this is a hit they’ll come out next with canned SHAMON