quick, someone get this guy a safe space

“She’s a 125-pound, drooling, snoring, gassy, loud and silly girl,”

Can’t wait for the cars and coffee footage. It’ll be a right proper massacre.

Well, based on hiring Chris Pronger, that master plan is “throw a whole bunch of elbows and maybe step on a guy with your skate.”

Okay, but people pay $300K for memberships to his golf course. If I invite you over to my house for Christmas and take a dump on the rug, sure it’s technically still my call, but I’m also a huge dick for doing so.

Can we just play through this Presidency?

“I wanted to give him a chance. He seemed like a real winner, but this has gone too far.” - At least one of my uncles.

Pretty sure that’s Dwayne Johnson, dude.

I believe ramming someone with your car means you’re not being passive aggressive anymore.

Little known fact: this is how the Forester was born.

“Thankfully everyone involved received only minor injuries.”

I already love dogs. I don’t need another reason to love dogs. But when dogs tackle children, that love soars even higher.

This is one of the few times I can actually say the phrase “Well, all things considered, I’d rather have a LeBaron”

Perhaps we are looking at this thing from the wrong angle. For a moment, go ahead and squeeze all of your muscles so your soul squirts out of your nose. There. Now you are a killer. Now you are the business prophet. Your mother approaches you and all you can see is a complex diagram of revenue and cost. It’s trying to…

Did you just write about a unique bat and then not post any pictures of it?

For quoting MLK a lot in their anguished letters, I think some of those Seattle parents forgot this passage from the Birmingham County Jail letter-- replace moderate with liberal, because that’s just the shifting goalposts since the Reagan Years:

Folks: If the sentiment “Black Lives Matter” gives you pause -if you think for some reason that those three words, in that order, are problematic -then you don’t get to call yourself a liberal anymore. I don’t care where you stand on any other issue, you need to go sit with the Trumpicans and KKK members (but I repeat…

New ad: “I’m super gorgeous, a 10/10, but I also have herpes. Love, Giulia”

That fan just got cured of cancer.

That’s the result of a lifetime of Labatt and poutine, right there. Hoser.