Cardi B makes music for girls that spend their child support check on newports and fake nails

He’ll be fine, Denver's the perfect place to spark up a Bol.

Off Broadway, playing God? 

I was half expecting Jesus to show up like Batman, or a wrestler doing a run-in with a steel chair. “CHANGE MONEY IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD AND BRAWL AT A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME UNLEASHES ANGRY JESUS.” (But millions dying of wars and other man-made catastrophes, not a peep.) 

These are the people who attend Jeff Foxworthy concerts and watch the Radke’s 

There were very fine parents on both sides, I’m sure. 

The last time there was a Deadspin item on the shift, I typed the phrase “bunt double”.

I feel pretty confident that, over a long enough timeline, baseball players would get better at using all fields and render the shift a losing proposition. On the other hand, it seems increasingly likely that the inevitable collapse of human civilization will thwart any evolutions of that kind. Ah well.

What really grossed out his team-mates was the grey pubic hair.

He probably started with masturbating in front of small animals.

I will also take Jackmerius Tacktheritrix or D’Glester Hardunkichud.

Where’s the Kickstarter for Key and Peele to reenact the scene of Crennel having to tell Winslow to maybe stop jerking it in front of everyone so much? I’ll pay double if the roommate who reports him is Ozamatazz Buckshank or Donkey Teeth.

When he said he was a “fucking soldier,” he wasn’t kidding.

He should’ve played baseball.

He clearly wasn’t a team player, since his only true joy was playing with himself.

Tugs the hearstrings.

I don’t know about you, but I have serious anxiety about getting a fleshlight through a TSA checkpoint, so she stays at home. I can jerk off into a hotel washcloth filled with moisturizer and left on the room heater for five minutes for a couple days just fine.

How can you criticize a guy who is always pulling for his teammates?

A book deal, a speaking circuit, and eventually holding office at the Arkansas-state level (most likely the Governorship), which will be achieved entirely on the back of name-recognition, and not actual political or personal value.