Here’s something I can’t explain. Watches don’t work on me. Any time I had a watch, whether it was a Fossil or a Timex or whatever, the battery would die in a month or two. And even with a battery replacement, the watches never worked again. This happened five or six times. I am a Seiko killer.

When I was a kid we loved in a house that had used to be victorian farm cottages and had lain abandoned and roofless for ~50 years before my parents bought it for basically nothing and put a roof on it. Anyway, I was always seeing wierd shit in that house.

OK this is a weird thing that I have yet to explain. In 1986 we bought our first house. It was about 50 years old. I hung a bunch of photos in frames that I bought brand new, had never used before. I never took the pictures out of the frames once they were hung. Moved out after some time and packed the photos. I got…

Good and very happy they contacted the police as well. What this woman did is a complete and utter violation of privacy. The other gym goer was just minding her business, getting dressed in a locker room and this bitch takes a picture of her and posts it on the internet with the caption “If I can’t unsee this then…

Are you really arguing the guy who won 8 gold medals in one Olympics is overrated?

You watch exactly the right amount. I was worried I missed the wedding. I’m surprised she would get pregnant before the wedding for the pictures of her in her dress alone. The girl has been working out and looks amazing.

I thought that was a picture of Roger Ailes genitals?

I had a LOT of fun in my twenties, then had two kids so I guess this represents my vag to crazy, possibly fictitious god sandwich lady.

Where I’m from if I don’t like the way a movie looks, I don’t go see it. I hope they offer you the same freedom where you live. Good luck!

Imagine if we speculated about men’s vasectomies in this manner. ORLANDO BLOOM: THE BIG SNIP? Followed by ten photos of the actor in swim trunks standing with a vaguely bow-legged stance.

No, if an Ugg boot filled with pumpkin spice latté was granted one wish, and it was to be a real human woman, she would date this guy. As for me, I wouldn’t touch any of these guys with someone else’s pussy.

Huh, I have always called bros “Chads.” When Chads swarm like this, it is called “a douche of Chads.”

If you think the couple’s first dance is bad, it has nothing on the first dance with the parent (like bride with dad). Trying to pick music for that is a dreadful reminder that every single song ever is about fucking. Every. Single. Song.

My friend’s mother-in-law wanted to use that for the mother/son dance. GAAAAAAAH.

The Police, “Every Breath You Take.” Even STING says it’s creepy and stalkerish and admits he was in a BAD place when he wrote it.

Really - that was one of the "concert band" instruments that usually got relegated to color guard for our marching band gigs.

AHHHH I love Anastasia, I would have LOVED doing that field show.

God damn I miss marching band.

Now read Martha’s caption with Kristen’s picture.