I just sneezed and got a fun panty favor

Holy god, that was the most canned, rehearsed-sounding speech I've heard in a long while. The tone and cadence were pure Sally Struthers PSA. I kept expecting her to tell us that for just pennies a day, we could ensure that poor Iowa school children would have more than one pair of shoes.

oh, shut the hell up.

No one is allowed to use the word in my house. Not even Shaq, whose autobiography I ghostwrote.

Good lord. As if a server's job isn't hard enough.

He smoked a J;
Then took a P;
And somehow A
Had more than B.