I still say jack/jerk off or get myself off. I really don't need a girl version for this term. I am literally never ever going to use “Klittra”. Shit sounds like some sorceress from Conan the Barbarian or Caligula.

I do not want glitter on my clit.

Once in high school we were eating dinner and I got up to get seconds. My grandma said “I hope your boyfriend like chubbies.”

Every now and then guys will ask me if these are my “real eyes.” I’m pretty sure they’re asking if they’re colored contacts, like you said, but I’ve gotten to the point where I always reply, “No, I carved them out of a dead hobo’s skull.” It’s just confusing and off-putting enough to make them leave me alone.

THANKS KEITH needs a gif with a sarcastic-looking junior high girl.

I wish. I’ve had pretty great luck with men but that guy was a real piece of work. I did tell him his ostrich skin cowboy boots that he’d just paid $800 for were fake. He was Danish but super into Texas culture, so I think that hurt him more than a wangpunch.

This is the kind of situation where the kicksss me who lives in my head and is always witty and on top of it would just stare at him and say, “I’m sorry, did you just basically tell me you’d like to fuck your grandmother?” And since this is all in my head, I would then stare at him while I take a drag off my cigarette…

Why would anyone give a stranger your number?! Be better, friends!

My boyfriend at the time and I were up at his family cottage. He was doing dishes after a meal, and since he never helped out around the apartment we shared I play-flirted by saying “ooh i like this look on you!”

THANKS KEITH

I was in eighth grade and mister king of junior high says to me “I know who you are you’re like the most popular girl of all the like unpopular people.”

“I love homely girls. You remind me of my grandma. But you’re kinda sexy, can I have your number?”

“But I’m offering you such a great salary... for a girl.”

“Your English is great. You almost sound totally American. It's nice to hear someone actually try.”

“You look very clean today.”

What the gallery owner seems to be missing is the chasm between the artist’s *legal* obligations to credit the original work, and the artist’s *moral* obligations to credit the original work. What’s effed up about this is that the derivative work isn’t cool because of his dumb grafitti on it, it’s cool because of the…

be attractive but not intimidatingly so...my male ego is fragile, you whore.

About three sessions in, my therapist was like, “I’m pregnant. We’ve got 30 weeks.” And by god, I was out before the baby was.

I’d put a caveat on that—talk therapy with no defined goal and end date is a scam. A good therapist will help you define goals, develop a timeline for meeting them, and frankly will push you out of the nest if things linger to the point where it’s clear they’re not helping.

Say it with me fellas-