Guys, it can’t be that hard to take a phone away from a cranky septuagenarian going on two years old. You take it, smack him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and tell him ‘No! Bad! Use the secure phone! Go to your room!’

Ever notice that most of the folks in power now look like anthropomorphic animals (among other things)? Ryan looks like a slow loris, Trump looks like a giant orange toad, his wife is a praying mantis, McConnell is straight up a decomposing tortoise, Pompeo is a shaved ape, Ajit Pai is a leaf-nosed bat, Mnuchin looks…

If only it would all go down like this:

If the government spent a tenth of the time profiling nutjobs like this on social media that they do using analytics on social media to defraud an election, they might actually completely fuck that up too.

BREAKING NEWS:
“President” Trump also doesn’t know Shinola from that other stuff.
No one surprised.
Film at Eleven.

Black people wouldn’t do this - this is purely crazy white lady crap. Were this in Florida, she would be Floridaman.

GodDAMMIT, White People!
We seriously need to talk about how you talk to black kids.
They’re people, they have feelings, and if you were a teacher that said this to my (admittedly imaginary) child, you would be fired so fast.
The fact that that was the first thing you thought of to say to kids who were just being kids…

If you’re that worried about it, go to the men’s room.
Guys don’t give a damn - they go in, do their business, wash their hands (YES WE DO!) and leave. We don’t hang around outside and harass people trying to take a dump.
Every time I’ve ever heard of disgusting behaviour and “leavings”, it’s been in the Ladies’ room…

America’s official position on guns.

I’m bad enough against people, I don’t think I can handle being beaten by a sarcastic non-entity.

I’m bad enough against people, I don’t think I can handle being beaten by a sarcastic non-entity.

Right, if we say se looks like a rotted old scarecrow that decided to not get a brain, we have to be sensitive to Scarecow-Americans, and focus on her deciding to not get a brain.

She’s a Trumpan, which is a race, so yes, I guess I’m racist against the rise of more little orange idiots who think everyone’s coming for their guns, who thinks prayers solve the problem of school shootings, who wants to steal children from the parents of immigrants who can’t defend themselves, who treat people like…

Trump, just go fuck yourself like you do everyone else.

We don’t need either one of you morons. Thing One will only be the next one to shoot up a school, and Thing Two will be the one to stand by and let it happen.

He keeps outrunning them - he’s not waiting for introductions.

GodDAMMIT, White People!
We can’t turn our backs for a second without you doing or saying something idiotic!

1: Don’t be a dick
2: Don’t write shit down - it’s admissible in court, moron!
3: Be a racist Nazi douchebag on company time.
Once again, White People, start policing your race, you are responsible for this.
Now fix…

Old white lady exercising her stranger animal petting entitlement.

Oh, look- Sessions is starting his own child trafficking racket, on behalf of his boss.
Trump’s endgame becomes clear: