This is a model email to send on your way out the door, under any circumstances in general but specifically under the difficult ones that finds Simmons leaving.

Your husband is a huge obnoxious Patriots fan and this is the first time you’ve cried out for help? Either you’re the most patient spouse ever or you got married this week.

Tell him to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up

Guys, I need to start a support group. My husband is a HUGE, obnoxious Patriots fan and he wont fucking shut up about how Brady is being framed, is a scapegoat, how the texts were taken out of context, and blah, blah blah. I can’t take it anymore.

Dre.

As soon as Goodell finishes writing it.

This is so misleading, as usual. “Kill you” is just how Aaron Hernandez refers to losing weight.

Mouton also tells a similar story of when he sacked Tom Brady, and Brady told him he would, “Knock the wind out of him.”

But wouldn’t she be talking about cookies then? Or are you talking about cookies? Was he talking about cookies? We should really straighten this whole thing out.

Nope. She means well but it feels condescending.

There are ratings for twitter accounts?

No dice. I would love a little blood sugar sext magik but my partner is a literal dude with an impaired romantic imagination. The few times I’ve tried, with innocuous but hopefully leading messages like “I wish you were in my bed right now,” I get matter of fact responses like “too bad we live so far apart.” :/

I fucking love the idea of using Socratic Questioning in the style of cognitive-behavior therapy in sexting. I’m just gonna ask you questions until you reach the conclusion I’d like you to reach; it’s much more salient if you’re able to get there on your own.

[Pete Carroll rubs chin]

Jalen Rose’s media career exists to make Bill Simmons feel cool.

For real? Chris Webber is one of the best young analysts in the game. In games he calls, he provides terrific insight. Rose has just gotten a big head over the past few from being on the Mothership so much...

“Wait, when normal people stop working they stop getting paid? That’s messed up.”

And no one was the wiser...