Freshman year of college, Thanksgiving Break. Me and some buddies were going to get together at my childhood home to watch some RIVALRY FOOTBALL. Planned on like 10 guys coming. Only 2 showed.

NOTY was Hella Jongerius

“Donald may get the credit for kickin’ the ol’ skin potato into the end zone, but it was my colleagues and I who put it on the tee.”

[guitar event]

Sausages, ranked:

+1 diamond in your timepiece

You mean Larry.

Steve Bannon looks like he has a fun secret, hehe!

Thomas Dimitroff: “Michael, we’d like to extend an invitation for you to join us for Super Bowl LI, as our honorary captain. We are proud of the changes you’ve made in your life, and would like to recogni—”

Tack!

No.

Patrick:

[makes hwanking motion with hand]

Get a load of this guy! He thinks Piedmont Park is full of minorities! And that rural Georgia is white!

Ole! Marie es INTERCOURSABLE

It’s more what you have in here [taps his chest].

Note that I never say I’m from or lived in “Texas,” but instead specifically say “Austin.”

Louisville’s Anas Mahmoud