I'm one of those short-legged, big hipped females whose body is widest across the thigh area because of the Plump Lumps I inherited from a long line of peasant ancestors. I want to go see my godchildren so badly - five states away - but I'm scared to fly in case I get on the plane and can't sit down. Not afraid of…

If wearing an old granny dressing gown is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Today's Fresher Hell, my kid, says I'm having eggnog induced dementia but Google agrees with me: there were aliens on Star Trek called Cardassians. Which sounds like Kardashian. And they looked like Bruce Jenner. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardassia…

And one of my buddies has this on his phone, after I thought I had hung up:

The rats I see here are rather charming and I can hear the love in the voices of the owners. The rats which come into my farmhouse are black as pitch, greasy furred reptiles that piss everywhere and scale walls like Dracula. And they are my nightmare. I once blew a large hole in my own wall when one began emerging…

Let a mini-me answer this...I was given my mother's name. Her name, exactly, except my redneck father hung a "Jr." on it. All through my young childhood my mother spoke both angrily and sadly of how she had hoped to have a little girl just like her to help her and be her friend. i was a great failure in this respect,…

How many of you are done with your shopping at Goodwill where you buy ancient rolls of wrapping paper to wrap your kid's second hand toys because you can just barely make rent? Poors are so creative!

(head down, hands clapped to sides of head, muttering...)

Wow, how embarrassing. I boil four cups of water in my dedicated Pyrex measuring cup in the microwave. With a lid. Then I pour it in a heavy glass carafe over a family size tea bag, the string secured by a rubber band. And...it's pretty good tea. I let it steep for about an hour and pour half into another carafe,…

That's not writing, that's typing. Truman Capote

Kinja ate my image.

I do very few smart organizational things but the first thing I do with a new thing is look up the owners manual online, download it to a folder in KEEP and throw the paper one in the recycle bin. If it's something I really need that's not online I scan it.

My God you are a genius. I too have no space for a dresser. This is perfect. I used shoe bags and it is awesome. And everything is easily visible. Many thanks.

As someone who wears a lot of black and has three fuzzy white kittens, I salute you!

Unless, of course, you are the reason they are becoming obese as they try to insulate themselves from your Stern and Righteous Judgement.

Darlin', I am so so sorry. People are so viciously ignorant.

Look, just give me this woman's address. I have about $10000.00 worth of cancer screenings coming up and I can save that money if she'll just run her KANGSCAN over me and tell me if I'm healthy.

I thought that article about Kylie's lifelong fame was from The Onion. That, or she was doing a spoof of Ja'mie. She must be delightful to hang with.

It tickles me that Kanye thinks that we're buying so much Louis Vuitton that it would make a dent in the sales. But I can get behind this. I'm not buying any Louis Vuitton til after January (of 2145) either. And I'm cancelling that Bentley, too.

Oy indeed. If that indeed is a verbatim transcription of his diction, maybe that connection Kanye longs for would be with education.