Cue Tom Hanks-as-Chris-Wallace:

The original was kinda awful. But in a good way.

I am almost done with this rotten job

Nasty me, and a car full of nasty neighbor women, nastily voted early today. Then we came home and had brunch with from-her-wherever-marys.

Being awake at 3am isn’t a badge of honor Donald! You know who else is up? People on speed. Sorry, MEDICATED SPEED.

Are you guys keeping a running list of all the adjective phrases Jezebel has used to describe Trump? And if so, will you be releasing that list at any point? Please say yes.

i mean, you’re dating someone, engaged to someone, your mind isn’t going to leap to “oh yeah they’re a pedophile” even if there were some red flags. its just not something you’re going to think of your significant other.

My cousin’s second husband was abusing one of her daughters for YEARS and she had no clue. With hindsight, he was also sniffing around my daughter and she and I just thought it was social awkwardness. It’s actually fairly common for people close to a pedophile to not have a clue what they are.

The sick fuck really did like to eat fresh.

And sticky. Don’t forget sticky.

Why do people want to hug kids anyway?

It was the same thing with Obama trying to close the Camp Delta prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The GOP (and some shit-head Democrats, to be fair) passed a bill blocking all prisoner transfers off the island, forcing it to remain open, then they would run campaign ads listing it as a “broken campaign promise” by…

Regular reminder that Darrell Issa is probably guilty of insurance fraud and should be in jail

I’ll start worrying about Obama’s accountability, when the GOP starts worrying about all the times they stopped him from fixing stuff.

I can’t blame a fireman for not putting out a fire when the town wouldn’t buy him a firetruck. Which is basically the only explanatory analogy anyone needs for Benghazi, but for some…

“He had 50 years to put Tom’s name on any of these papers,” Ms. DeMaio said. “The will was never a valid will.”

Ms. DeMaio suggested that perhaps the two men were just “friends” or “great companions.”

Disagree, but it doesn’t really matter because Elsa Pataky is hotter than both of them and because she married Chris and not Liam, his life is by default perfect.

I thought the effectiveness of a threat relied on people wanting to avoid that particular outcome.

Rihanna has more Grammys than Patti LaBelle and Gladys Knight combined. Proof that these awards are essentially meaningless.