Roland Capers sounds like the name of a college point guard...

Doctor: I’m sorry to inform you of this, but you have lung cancer.

I think it sounds like she is out for money.

I think you’ve had the wrong ones....

Five Guys is good food but they have the weirdest goddamned French fry process.

Oh please. As if you’ve never seen a fight start develop from one of these handshake lines...

YES DAMMIT

Shouldn’t it technically have been Footy McFoot Face?

“And once we get it done, and then we can have the chance to really explain it.”

Bold move to dribble out the game down 3, let’s see if it pays off for him.

Well, if nothing else, your mention of “parlay” gave Al Michaels his first erection in weeks.

New rule: Umpires get zero. You get zero ejections a year where you get to send somebody packing for saying some wild shit to you. You can still eject a pitcher for headhunting, and if a player is delaying the game and continues to jaw after a warning, then you can toss him, but no more pretending you’re the big…

Anyone who is appalled by the tone of this email is adorably inexperienced when it comes to receiving emails from the executive leadership down to middle management and below. The genre is always self-congratulatory and filled with ‘team wins’ that mean nothing to the recipients, but the execs feel like ‘sharing the…

Not really clear on what they expected him to say? I mean, he says, “Hey, folks still working at US Weekly, this is going to be really good for you and the people who have acquired you are good people to work for,” and he says, “Hey, folks who are still working with us, don’t worry, this is part of a bigger plan…

No lie, that sounds like Donald Trump tweeting from Deeley’s account.

I hate Lebron, but he would take this guy’s lunch money. Weak ass take bro.

What cracks me up about this argument is that Lebron would be able to handle the Bad Boy Pistons better than damn near anyone in the history of basketball. So, sure, they might put him on his ass a time or two. He’d also frustrate the shit out of them because he’s just bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than…

Why would you want someone to commit a possibly injury inducing foul? It seems to me you very much enjoyed the Piston style of shitass play. You’re a fucking idiot.

Oh, I forgot one notable other alum:

Umm I’ve never had a dog slow traffic because it’s his road too. I’ve also never had a dog speed up into my blind spot while I’m in the turning lane, with my blinker on and act like I’M the asshole.