It's a fucked up world where I say I'm thirsty and someone doesn't immediately hand me a box of Boku.

Lmao it's so true. The guys in my creative writing courses were stick figures draped in flannel and had mustaches glued to their thin lips.

Maybe she's the heiress to a fortune dependent on having a child within a very finite timeframe.

She'd cut me because I was black. [...] I often hear good white people ask why people of color must make everything about race, as if we enjoy considering racism as a motivation. I wish I never had to cycle through these small interactions and wonder: Am I overthinking? Am I just being paranoid? It's exhausting.

So there's definitely no other possible explanation for what we're seeing? Like he's simply extracting venom from a snake bite?

How the hell does Cosby still have supporters?

Wasn't there a big to-do about whether or not Drake liked his ass eaten too? Perhaps he's just running the gamut of what popular porn hashtags he's come across.

The box says diner not dinner.

Right? This is why I only talk to my mom's side.

I think both ideas were stolen from friends during their senior trip. Very clever, awful human beings.

Lmao. The Macy Gray cd. I'm dying here. This sounds exactly like my mother, except replace slutty teen clothes with Sporty Spice's wardrobe and replace Macy Gray with Natalie Merchant and any Deep Forest cd.

I felt the same way when a coworker claimed to be really into music, which I was like "oh cool I can talk to her" but then followed that up with how she's a secret rocker and just adores magic. I had to look it up, and found out I should have actually googled "MAGIC!"

Also, I'm old, bitter and sad so maybe that is…

You are a sweetheart. Thank you for helping that girl not have a miserable day.

Jesus christ. That poor kid. Ugh, I want to adopt all of these kids of fucked up parents.

Aw, how awful. I'm so glad you still got to be together — and I'm so sorry that your mom was that awful. I don't believe for a second you looked like shit, and I don't even know what you look like.

Don't feel bad. I just went for my 2nd fitting and the girl doing my alterations discovered that one strap is comically longer than the other, and has to take it apart and redo it completely... AND she is furious with the cheap quality of the hook and loop thing and is replacing that too. I'm a fatty and I want to…

Holy christ. I think you win. You have my vote and my sympathies.

Don't you just put it in a paper bag on the counter?

I just have to laugh, because my mother refused to say "obey" at her wedding either. She reminds me of this all the time.

Did you create a username specifically to tell this story, or were you so traumatized by this wedding that you've based your username selection on this tale for years? Either way I am crying laughing at the wedding mime. WTF IS A WEDDING MIME?