In the interest of being perfectly accurate in our snarky comments, he seems to prefer little girls, so he’s totally going to be heading to Portland, OR for the the Little League Softball World Series.

I don’t understand how he got to Oregon State to start with. Were the coaches just like “Man this guy has a cannon! He raped a 6 year old but you can’t ignore that arm! Let’s get him here.”

If I had a family member do what he did, and they went on to eventually develop a cure for Cancer, to me they would always still be a child molester.

For the past six years, I have done everything in my power to demonstrate that I am someone my family and my community can be proud of

“Whatever, that’s not even my favorite World Series,” he said, printing out a boarding pass to Williamsport.

*SCHEDULE ALERT* Astros play Red Sox Friday-Sunday. All hail the Vanilla Parallel Universe.

For the love of God please let Derek Fisher still be on the roster when they next meet the Red Sox, so he can go up against relief pitcher Matt Barnes.

Didn’t even flip the bat. Shaming the name of all Derek Fishers!

“We need a pitcher! Not an asshole sniffer!”

Fisher apparently really like being inside things Barnes used to ride.

GLORIA: I know money’s been kind of tight, but this Escalade was just a gift from Matt and I don’t care that much about it. Maybe we should flip it?

We debated this one for a while trying to parse out Scherzer’s exact string of words, though some of them are pretty obvious. I think we’ve settled on “fucking bastard motherfucking bitch motherfucker” and now I can’t see it any other way.

Brandon Phillips wore No. 4?

Damn, you know every White Sox fan?

“He gone!”, said Hawk, after bludgeoning the truck driver to death.

As much as I hate this particular call of his, on his last day I will emphatically proclaim, “HE GONE!”

You can put him in the morgue, yes!

+ 1 covfefe

With a goal and a fight last night, Malkin was only a rigging of a US presidential election away from the Vladimir Putin Hat Trick.

HEY WHAT ABOUT THE FIRST RESPONDERS AND FIRE FIGHTERS AND TROOPS HUH LEBABY????/