The two in the senate were Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders. The three in the house I have never heard of. I’m pretty surprised that Dana “Russian Mole” Rohbacher wasn’t among them though to be honest.

I’ve cut out every member of my family who supported Trump, even my daughter’s grandparents. They haven’t seen her since before Christmas and are starting to get desperate. Too bad, motherfuckers. Elections have consequences.

Voting for Trump in itself makes all those people ridiculous.

I can’t believe found Obama time to make Americans suffer under his care while simultaneous planning 9/11. What a truly great President we had.

My wife’s car is bright orange. She says to go for it.

I’m not going to lie, the idea of it looking like a glowing object in space kind of made me want to do it more.

I remember being a kid and thinking 72 was so, so old. Team. 72 is not old. At least, it’s not old anymore.

Yeah, you need to read up on the whole lynching thing a little bit.

Falsely accused black men and boys, actual catcallers and abusive men... tomato, to-mah-to, amirite?

Why would she wait that long?

So what’s everyone bitching about healthcare costs for? Hell, for $14/month, I’ll take two and still keep my iPhone!

I wonder how many people look at Ted Danson and still automatically think about the whole Whoppi Goldberg black face thing. He seems like a really decent guy, so I’m glad that didn’t destroy his entire career and image, but whenever the conversation of Ted Danson comes up, it’s one of the things that springs to…

Welp, I’ve never felt more alone or single in my life. Thanks Ted!

I just don’t understand why scientists try to continue to interfere with God’s plan for Charlie.

A 10 year off/on/off/on relationship may have died its final death over the casting of this character. I am remarkably unbothered by that fact.

And they say Progressives don’t have dog whistles

So you’re saying he wants to be one of the Village People, basically.

What are the chances he can’t remember her actual first name at the time?

I’m 46, and I went into teaching at 44. It can be done.

I feel stupidly proud of my ingenious solution to my dog’s possessive issue of refusing to give back the ball he wants you to throw.