If portraits could talk, that one of Lincoln would be saying “Jesus Fucking Christ, I got assassinated for THIS!?!?”

Trader Joe's solution to free range carts is to make the parking lot small enough to trigger claustrophobia in tardigrades.

This is what happens when a hoarder visits the Walmart garden center.

What the fuck does HR even do anymore? As far as I can tell, they have two remaining responsibilities:

They regularly cross the Canadian border to liberate diabetes medication from that evil socialized regime. It makes them eligible for the UCP Wilford Brimley Distinguished Service Medal of Tactical Coolness. (And a coupon for the bar at Applebee’s.)

Sounds like a job for interns, but that multi-story building is also quite explodey.

Which Toyota executive’s cocaine habit is that $15k markup covering? Because there’s no way any RAV4 is worth nearly $40,000.

David's Jeep could have used a little less Civil Defense and a lot more Corrosion Defense.

If Jaws was filmed today, the scene where Brody blows up the shark would look like a gender reveal party planned by a bunch of Mary Kay Facebook moms.

she was discovered to be carrying a laptop, two Chinese passports, four phones, and a USB thumb drive loaded with what officials describe as “malicious malware.”

A fitting option considering the Tacoma is the Number One midsize truck.

Excuse me, but “synergistically” and “paradigms”? Aren’t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I’m accusing you of anything like that.

It was staged.

then rest his or her chest and body down on the padded longitudinal bench-like assembly