How good would Mike Tyson have been if Cus D' Amato hadn't died and been put in jail?

Groucho Khan makes me smile.

@Jefferson Short Bus: That is great.

While lying on the 50 yard line, they engage in some heavy petting, when a cop shines his light on the field.

What does it say about me that this was the first Simmons column in years that didn't make me angry?

@Steve U: +1

And yet no time to stop by the Black Lagoon to see the folks? For shame Pau.

The day everything in Pearland went pear-shaped.

The irony is that I would hate LeBron so much more if he were white.

Why all the commotion? This is actually a traditional dish in Britain. It's called "mousey bloodloaf" and you eat it with lots of vinegar and sugar.

During a reel change, she came over to where I was sitting, looked at the drawing I was working on, and exclaimed how talented I was loudly enough for everyone to hear. I blushed and looked down at the ground.

@WhoDoYouKnowHere: +1

Damn. I hope the latest surgery works out for you Drew.

All the fumbles were all caused by getting after the guy and doing something to get the ball out.

I don't like it. I'd hate to be all old-fashioned and patriarchal about this, but men are just genetically better suited to being smug assholes than women. Sorry ladies, but it's true.

People, I've said if before, and I'll say it again, drunk driving works. Did you see that sweet touchdown??

@Tulos_Mullet: When I heard the news that he was even considering leaving here, I was so upset I took my Melo jersey, folded it up neatly and put it in a drawer. How do you like that superstar???

Undersexed and drug-addicted fatties, cracked-out law school students who shit themselves...

Amendment 2(1)b - The preceding rules will not apply to any player receiving over 1,000,000 All-Star votes in the previous season.

What do you know? From the way his podcasts sound, I always figured it was tied around his balls.