Somebody murdered my brother. Now, I'm seeking vengeance the only way I know how: by taking local businesses to task for not salting the stairs out front of their establishments and putting the health and safety of their customers at risk. Have you been hurt in a fall? Fuckin' call me, bra.

Glavine truly is a throwback to a generation of players from long ago - just look at that phone!

AVERY: Quite a day for the organization, huh? Half the rotation going into the Hall together. Cox, too. And I bet Smoltzy will be there to cover it for the network. If only we'd known back then, right?

I just found out I'm going to be a dad. My own PARENTS don't even know yet. I've just been walking around with this huge secret for three days now. I needed to tell someone, and I don't think my girlfriend reads Deadspin. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY, RIGHT?