My work is going to a 3 day per week reduced-pay-but-keeping-our-benefits-going plan next week, with an option to work from home.

We manufacture and sell stuff, and of course sales have tanked with orders getting pulled left and right, so we have to reduce spending :(

On the bright side, THREE DAY WEEK.

I’m just tired of every goddam thing linking to a paywall. I seriously wonder how seemingly all of my friends can afford subscribing to seemingly every newspaper and magazine site.

...I see the paywall, it’s an instant tab-close for me.

I dunno maaan. Every kid in the US is off school right now, and they would force their parents to get Disney+ for a new Marvel movie...could really put the service into a lot more homes.

Democracy dies behind a pay wall.

Damn! That IS America’s hand sanitizer!

Ugh. The mixtape. ANOTHER thing to blame Hitler for.

You’ve obviously never told your Alexa to do a thing in one room, and had it answer from another...

In my defense, I heard I could get high off of it...

...and then one of the monkeys, we’ll call him Caesar, realized that PEOPLE are made of food.

I compared it to an old xtranormal video.

They are made of different polymers.

THEY KNOW WE ARE WEAK AND ARE COMING OUT TO FEED.

MMMM....TASTES LIKE VIRUS AND PANIC. PASS ME THE BBQ SAUCE, YOGI!

This is what scared me (the most) when he got elected: how is this choade going to deal with a crisis?

IRL, he’d just call bankrupt and restart.

It’s so weird and selective. In Hollywood, all of the regular waters were gone, but they were still well stocked with smart water. All of the $.19 bananas were gone, but they still had plenty of the $.25 organic bananas. Peanut butter and almond butter were all sold, except on type of peanut butter (wanna say smooth…

I heard this and the travel ban within minutes of each other and decided it was time to get some whiskey.

...the store (Trader Joe’s in Hollywood) was a madhouse. All sorts of stuff sold out, lines 10 deep at the cashiers...people stocking up to ride out the apocalypse.

It was...unnerving...so I bought some frozen food,…

If they can run that fast, border patrol can’t catch them anyway.

Not the judgement day we wanted, but the one we DESERVED.

Virus spreads at 10 miles per day. Cheetahs spread at 60mph.

Virus: *may* cause discomfort and eventual death. Timespan: weeks.

Cheetah: causes death. Timespan: as soon as symptoms appear.

So remember, never touch any surface with a cheetah on it regardless of how…

...dang. I was going to debut my drag persona, Corona Fireass, at this.

Love his highbrow stuff, but come on, who else could have made getting stabbed by a spaceship seem like some sort of a turn-on?

I say:"Aye! Claudius!"