Dear Starz,

"DAT ASS"

It gets worse??

So, some of you may have little bits of this already.

For my second kid's birth, my epidural failed. Yep, apparently this is a thing that can happen. I had been in labor for about 12 hours and was exhausted. I got it just as things were getting intense, and was fine for about an hour. Then all of a sudden the pain came back full force, just as I was transitioning - the…

my birth was fine. Can we talk the first post partum poop, which was far more terrifying than giving birth?

Let me join you in this.

I remember the nurse gently wiping my ass for me while I screamed at my husband, "LOOK AWAY, FOR GOD'S SAKE, LOOK AWAY".

JLo is GORGEOUS. She gets more beautiful as she ages. I love her. That song is terrible (it was like a super cut of all of the shittiest 'club bangers' from the past 5 years rolled into one. Work:Something about a birthday: something about a booty: something about grabbing a man and brining him to the dance-floor)…

Welcome. Some of us are insane. Please don't let it get to you.

From the video it seems like Elite Daily thinks this guy is really cool and that this is a chill story, bruh. Maybe it's just me, but I think this is really fucking sad.

You know, I'm a bit surprised that you'd just describe the octopus as "loose." I came here expecting an octopus-positive environment.

Nope.

Yikes. Once again I'm glad this sort of thing (like FB) wasn't around when I was younger and dating (and breaking up/being dumped). I guess it can work for some people, but my personality type would still have me mourning the jerk who dumped me via email and staying there if I'd had this option back in the day, I…

People in Order of Awesomeness, as judged by today's Dirtbag:

I HAVE NOTHING OF VALUE TO ADD TO THE CONVERSATION AT THIS TIME which is a bummer

I'm so sorry, that's an awful thing to go through. Now, go ahead and put on some soothing guitar music, and look at this GIF, and know that Hiddles is playing it just for you, because you are lovely and deserve to be serenaded by someone like Hiddles. You are lovely.

When I was (ahem) between apartments for a while, I stayed in hotels (you may have seen them from the freeway, they have names like "Motel 9" and "Halliday Inn") that would have been less scary if there was some creep around taking pictures of me. At least then there'd be evidence.

Please do not accuse me of such self-serving means. You can clearly tell this listing is not mine because I have *at least* 5 more livestock skulls in my front yard, as well as several pieces of rusted farm equipment that I think are charming but others describe as being "unidentifiable" and "looking like murder…

I once stayed at a hotel 6 in Salinas, Ca. Well, the floor was.....moist. I don't know why. We heard some questionable screaming (pleasure? someone meeting their end..I don't know) and some folks jumping in and out of dumpsters. This place was in such a shady area all I kept thinking was "I want to get back to my damn…