Could you just drink stouts and porters without the pumpkin, or whatever?

As an actual Chris, I vote for Jason or Robert, but I can’t be mad if it ends up being Chris.

Let’s not pretend that Jezebel is above it. If you put Katy Perry and Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj and Remi Ma on that island, you’d be all up in it.

I’m sorry you’re so oppressed. It must be very difficult for you.

My religion (cult) is the one where he grows his full beard back, takes off all his clothes and rolls around on a vinyl shower curtain with a tub of butter-flavored Crisco. Excuse me, I have to go... pray.

OMG, my aunt was all, “He has such an innocent face.” I was like, “No, the word you’re looking for is ‘pale,’”

Sorry, but it’s the facts. As we have learned again and again, privilege isn’t about how you identify. It’s about how you are perceived. She received the privilege of being a white man, even if that isn’t how she identified.

I’m so jealous of you. It was so bad that it made me angry. Everyone around me was like, “OMG IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING AND DEEP AND WOW I HAVE SEEN IT FIVE TIMES AND I AM GOING TO NAME MY NEXT CAT NAUVOO.” One guy cried because it was so beautiful.

I don’t have a dog in this fight, and I’m ashamed for knowing enough to ask this, but what’s up with the backup dancers? I thought that the whole “beef” was because the dancers left Katy’s tour to go work on Taylor’s tour? If she’s such a monster, why would they go?

I’ve said it before, (seriously,) and I’ll say it again, (because it needs saying,) Tony the Tiger could get it. Like, I’d even be the lady.

I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard time thinking of one thing in the world Calista would be too classy for.

I’m the only thing standing between you and repeating the 7th grade, Trixie Mattel.

I’m the same with Seinfeld. I tried to watch it once and I was like, “These people SUCK.”

You can’t spend too much time trying to figure out who the worst is, because they’re all the fucking worst. It’s like a worst snake eating it’s own worst tail.

And please remember that, as they’re landing on that hard floor, all of their junk is duct-taped to their taint.

I kind of don’t get Jezebel anymore. It’s this odd mixture of feminist ideology and “OOH! GIRL FIGHT!!”

Seriously. I wanna be like, “Hey, here’s a shiny new nickel. Go buy yourself some dignity.”

Maybe if you comment a few more times, it’ll really, really convince us how much you don’t care.

She doesn’t really “do” faces. That’s just pretty much her one face.

She loves him, but she’s not IN LOVE with him.