LOL so true !!!

Seems obligatory.

Dead things don’t count as pets. Except in Psycho.

Hungry Hungry Caterpillar-like penis? I feel like the further we think about this the more I don’t want to jump into that rabbit hole dick first.

meese, dude, meese.

If it’s wrong to an aggressive, territorial, two-ton semiaquatic endangered species in my 500 square foot basement studio, then I don’t want to be right.

Most apartments do not have big enough bathtubs.

I wanted to grow cilantro and catnip :(

I wanted to grow cilantro and catnip :(

The base issue however cuts both ways, something Trump may not be aware of. Many are dual-use bases that not only help defend foreign countries but project American power around the world.

Saw Title.

Gathered up and shot into the sun!

I love this because I imagine that he was just tossing and turning in bed seething about this and then finally leaped up, cast aside his absurdly long stocking cap, and tweeted this out before collapsing back into bed.

Of course he is, dear.

I could picture feeling the same way about Texas — if it were Austin. Otherwise, ugh.

I’m sorry for you.

Oh yeah... let me tell you about our abstinence only “sex ed” taught by the community crisis pregnancy center. NO JOKE. End result, 11% of my class of 78 were mothers or fathers (or soon to be) at graduation.

In middle school I made a comment about not wanting to get married or pregnant until I was 30.... in response, the head bitch of the group asked “Are you a lesbian or something?”. Yeah... WTG Indiana.

I would absolutely shoot my wife if she was threatening to shoot my children. I can get another wife, kids are a pain in the ass to raise.

How is this surprising? She has a British identical twin!!!