Dear Football Players of Auburn College (not all of you, but the ones I'm addressing know who you are),

Getting a new doctor isn't exactly a straightforward procedure under many insurance plans/in many geographic locations, and the tradeoff of "a doctor who is sometimes forgetful about following through on promised calls but is otherwise a good fit" for "a doctor who is unknown and may not be any better about phone…

That's fair. My first one was a slightly big deal in my family too. Wore 'em down after the next six though. GOTTA JUST KEEP ON.

Next year's cover is going to be a woman in stirrups with a speculum in. Just right up in it. If we're having this vagina conversation anyway, we might as well see an actual vagina, damnit.

So everyone, answer me this:

Did HANNAH DAVIS decide which photo ended up on the cover? Did she make that call? Or did she just, you know, show up, do her job, and then someone chose that photo?

Did HANNAH DAVIS think "Yeah, I think I'll pull my bathing suit down a little, that is an idea I am having personally" or was…

This dude only got 9 years as punishment for trying to kill someone and he gets pics of her children? Oh hell no. Hell. No. This is terrifying. Is he going to get visitation after his release too? I think your parental rights kind of end at throat slitting.

Is it weird that I am more than comfortable with sex at any time, even on a first/only date, but feel dick pics should be reserved for committed relationships? I feel like unsolicited dick pics from someone i'm casually dating come off as way too aggressive.

where in the text of any personal essay does a reader ever read I AM A PERFECT PERSON; MY LIFE STORY IS UNEQUIVOCALLY THE RIGHT THING FOR EVERYONE ELSE TO DO

That's how vast swaths of the Harry Potter fandom felt about Mortal Instruments, and it wasn't even anywhere near as popular.

"I think she likes sex already."

Only if you tag your partner in the social media post. #thoughtsduringsex

I think the author misses the point; it's not really about lying. It's about knowing the difference between when your partner is asking for honesty and when s/he is asking for validation. A wife asking if she looks fat is not looking for the truth or a white lie- she wants to know her husband is still attracted to…

~Roland Deschain (Stephen King)

"The fact is, it's a love story... that there's a little bit of kinky sex in there is an added bonus."

Allow me to depart from being level-headed to use some caps:

The biggest silver lining to all of this is Arby's reaction:

I'll need unfettered access to your life and the people in it. I want your family, friends, your third grade teacher, any lovers (real or imaginary), the doctor who birthed you, the DMV employee who administered your driving test. I want it all. I'm going to observe you, and tap your phone, and go through your…

Alan Rickman could be the burnt-out, cynical reporter who writes the story. He's an old-time newspaperman, see, he's got a fedora and trenchcoat and he's used to standing outside little Italian diners, waiting for the dirty politicians eating within to come out and answer his machine-gun fired questions. But he…

Tilda Swinton and Lupita Nyong'o play the star-crossed lovers. Tom Hiddleston is their guardian angel trying to bring them back together. Nic Cage is the demon trying to keep them apart. Jim Varney is the folksy bookstore employee who finds the letter. Benedict Cumberbatch is Tilda's asexual, aloof older brother. …