You, I’m gonna give a pass. My condolences.

Hating avocados is like hating sex. Either you’re doing it wrong or you’re catching some bad fruit. 

Does anybody really think America’s “Team,” like America itself, gives a shit about black people?

I’d be honored if you did. Hell, you print up a few and I’ll buy one. Men’s XL.

Nothing unleashes white-trash racism like alcohol. It’s like rubbing the genie’s lamp.

This is why I hate it when white people call themselves “woke.” It’s just hollow bragging, a look-at-me attempt to appear superior. (Yeah, irony.)

Come to California and watch the grass die.

I been telling my kids for years that America just ain’t worth it. I think they’re finally getting the message.

Some years ago I one of my brothers was a cop in rural Kentucky . One day he was telling me a story about busting a guy, who he called a “buck n——-.” Now, our old man woulda beat his ass if he’d said that in front him. Some things you just don’t do. I called him on it, and he apologized, but it hung in the air a long…

Years ago, waiting for a train at a Berkeley BART station, some old white lady walked up to my 2-year-old and pulled his hand out of his mouth because she said he shouldn’t be sucking his thumb. It was all could do not to punch her as hard as I fucking could.

I didn’t think anything could cheer me up after all the Supreme Court nonsense of the past few days, but hearing this did the trick.

Thing is, those IPAs sell. Breweries that insist on only niche shit like sours or lame-ass cream ales go out of business. Strictly business.

I’m married to an East Coast woman from an Italian family. You don’t know contempt till you’ve seen her eat pizza out here on the West Coast.

Also, fuck Waffle House. Boycott the chain till management figures out blaming customers for their beat-down by racist cops is flat-out wrong. Oh, and racist.

More legs for me! And Lawry’s is fine, but I’m genetically predisposed to Tony’s. That shit goes on everything.

So I prayed to Lord Google for an alternative for collard greens and discovered white folks already hijacked it in the whitest way possible. Different spelling, sure, but you tell me that ain’t messed up.

This is the most depressing truth I’ve read in a while.

Honorable sir, I rise to defend craft beer. But this cracker? Fuck him with a toilet brush.

I come from a long line of drunks, and at 60 I’m only getting a handle on it. Never lost a job, never started a fight, but I never got as far as I figured cuz the bottle’s heavy. Folks like you, and your stories, help keep me honest and real. Thank you. 

Come on, don’t fuck it up for the rest of us white folks who *love* The Root for its sassy smarts. Bitch.