Wow.

Bringing you out of the greys because this is SUPER petty and I love it.

Dumped a guy over his heavy Boston accent. I just couldn’t handle the way he would talk during sex, saying “Oh my gawd, ya tits are ahwsome!”. It was like banging Ted.

I haven’t ever really had a good birthday. It always seems to fall on a Tuesday or Wednesday. The weather is always super shitty (blizzards, ice rain, etc). But one year when I was a few months into my first adult job in Florida and living alone, my sis flew to visit and we went to Disney World together. It was truly…

“Never let them take you to another location” is excellent advice. If someone tries to take you to another location, they’re already committing Kidnapping, which by itself is a felony that will get them sent away for years. Odds of them wanting a living witness: Not good.

I actually brought up the D-word over hubby’s lack of affection and then had to explain to him the difference between sex and affection.

Rules? You mean amateur golf actually has rules you need to follow? I always assumed the only rule was 1 beer per hole. 

WHY DID YOU AVOID SAYING “BAD OMBRE”

In 30 years I expect to be navigating a global ocean while looking for dirt and drinking my own pee.  That’s if I haven’t already been eaten by mega-sharks plying the new seas.

“My work” means getting work done, like when she disappeared for weeks because she was “resting” and magically showed up with new boobs.  The ghost of Joan Rivers is looking at Melania’s face and telling her to step away from the knife.

So eloquent. Much thoughtful. True authentic. 

Is it too easy to guess dead parents?

I just act like an urban elitist and complain that the population density is less than 25,ooo people per square mile.

My new job is doing a white elephant exchange so I got a giant tub of peanut M&Ms from Costco.  If I end up with it I’ll be happy.  

I’m going with iPod, but then I picked the hottest guy in the office. The bell of da ball.

I hate gift exchanges.
I always buy a toilet seat as a gift. Funny thing is that since I’ve been doing this for years in family exchange; it is expected of me and everyone fights over my gift so they can get a nice new toilet seat for their home. So what originated as a gag gift, is now the gift everyone wants!

Glass tumblers (drinking glasses). They don’t have to be boring, and eventually everyone needs replacements for the ones they’ve broken.

I live for good hand creams, soaps, or bath products. Like if you know next to something about a person you can’t go wrong with those. Aim for smelling good and being slightly nicer quality than the person would buy for themselves. However this is a fine line, because the worst side of this is crappy bath products…

I give movie passes. For white elephant gift exchanges, I try to stick to the spirit of the thing (a crappy gift), and have definitely had people be upset that they got a bag of decorative gravel.