Of course he got the big heavy massage chairs from Brookstone- I think they’re the D Series Massage Collection. If he was smarter, he’d have gotten the smaller, lighter, but superior E-Series. I think we all know, though, that Flacco would never buy the E lite.

America is populated by idiots. Why is Big Bang Theory the most watched show around?

slowly digested inside woody allen’s clammy mouth like a werther’s original that sits unchewed between his gums and the soggy flap of his cheek until it is broken down by the mild chemical reaction caused by his saliva

Well, we know that his takes will be wide-left.

I look forward to reading his upcoming Deadspin articles.

if they want me to fucking tune in and watch football they had better fucking hire lars von trier to make a 30 minute ad spot of Willem Dafoe weeping oil black tears while dissecting a panther and wearing a Pope outfit and in the background the entire Dave Matthews Band is shackled to a wall and being sprayed with…

Sounds like what you really need is to figure out how hoses work.

His name is Porkchops Bazingas. smdh

It’s an article about an absurd flop. It’s hilarious you think there needs to be some Deadspin post analyzing his improving midrange game.

holy shit you morons are fucking defensive.

Because 2016 is the best recent evidence that we live in a spiraling chaotic vortex of suck, and it is only our human arrogance and folly that convinces us we can make sense of it.

Alex Smith, in a burst of managerial genius after recognizing his own severe limitations, has wisely outsourced the responsibility to score points to the secondary.

Talked about trying to overturn gay marriage

You came back after this:

Picked a VP who favors conversion therapy, and thinks homosexuality is a disease...

I’ve been here!

#ImWithStan

my liver hurts

*Walks into ballot box*

With our future ecological policies, I’m sure this will look great right on the waterfront.