Mike Pence is like that Survivor contestant that keeps their head down and tries not to make waves for the first few weeks to avoid being targeted for elimination, and then gets eliminated anyway because he wasn’t very good at the game to begin with.

He’s definitely on coke, she’s on whatever cocktail of pharmaceuticals makes his company bearable.

I checked Instagram this morning and was like, “The fuck is this??”

I’ve always felt like persistent rumors had a grain of truth to them, and there have been rumors about his illiteracy and amphetamine use for a long time and it always seems like he’s having trouble when he has to read stuff.

Mine are, I have a weird blank one and I can’t go to any of mine. Kinja’s...quirky sometimes.

It’s easier to make friends when you don’t exhibit almost every negative quality a person can have.

He was impatient for the memorials to end but expressed pride in himself for remaining publicly civil.

Ted Danson is fucking killing it on The Good Place, for many reasons including that moment when he switches gears completely as a character. It’s just masterful and he needs to be recognized.

All he does is slouch, he’s a trashy fucking slob.

Keep ‘em mad enough to fight and get those good ratings, but not so mad that they leave the show.

It’s not a thing, their tiny mouths just look like that.

I read once that you don’t really see birds or squirrels in poorer parts of North Korea for, uh, obvious reasons.

I imagined all of it being said by blonde women with sweet, southern accents.

Ooooh I have to try that.

My MIL used to sort of be a Karen, then she went to college for her MSW and what she learned in school and her experiences working with children in poverty de-Karened her.

THC is fat-soluble, so you need something fatty in the mix to get the fun stuff.

I sort of needed to be smaller, I had a little more fat on my liver than I should and I’m trying to squash non-alcoholic fatty liver disease before I get older and it gets harder.

When I was a kid I was WAY into Pokemon and genuinely upset that I couldn’t have my own pikachu because they’re so freakin cute.

I’m staying home and doing the opposite of shopping by going through my closet and selling some clothes.

Funny how we’ve been doing these briefings for almost 100 years and this administration is the first one to feel the need to issue restrictive rules of conduct.