Healthcare. When the terrorists came for my legs, all I could think of was the war of 1812. I was a boy then. A great young boy and his dog. Vote yes for reduced premium unleaded.

The only product that actually works is Todd Haley’s BRAIN CHAW. Whether you’re dialing up a play for a QB who can’t read, or you’re whipping a High Life at the Mexican kid who just stranded your son on third, BRAIN CHAW’s unique blend of mouth tobacco, B12, Taurine, and biker crank provides you with the focus,…

Chuck. Chuck, it’s Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Schumer. You know that new liberal sound you’re looking for? Well listen to this.

“the left wing of the party, for which Sanders has become the proxy”

Maybe watersports.

I can’t imagine what it would take, but this isn’t it. Like, I literally can’t imagine. Trump could sodomize a dead dog on the White House lawn while conducting a press conference about the aliens from Planet Blurnox making a delicious pesto quesadilla and he’d still be able to count on at least 200 electoral votes in…

This is the antithesis of teens doing drive-by dunks.

The irony being that this guy contributed more to the US than any of these trumpanzees ever will.

There is a quote I would like to see tattooed on that fat orange morons over sized forehead.

If the Beach Boys’ “Kokomo” was a tournament, the USMNT would find a way to finish off the podium.

I thought Poochie died on his way back to his home planet.

mystified or bored or otherwise deterred by a simple screen

How come women can’t go sleeveless when Paul Ryan is allowed to go spineless?

He heard they were playing Beethoven

What kind of place is this where people are laughing, clapping and getting up and walking around during a symphony performance?

MLB SPRINT SPEED: BROUGHT TO YOU BY SPRINT. SPRINT: “ISN’T THAT THE ONE WITH THE VERIZON GUY? OR WAS THAT THE PINK ONE?” WITH SPEEDS UP TO 5G-LTEGBTQ ITS A HOME RUN FOR THE AMAZING NEW IPHONE SO LONG AS YOU ARE WITHIN 500 FEET OF A PRIMARY TOWER OTHERWISE YOU BASICALLY OWN AN IPOD TOUCH. SPRINT: “I’M BEHIND ON MY…

“man, if I had a chin for every tired excuse I hear I would have about the same amount of chins”

What kind of people says mmmbop?

He was distracted by thinking about whether he needed to buy 3 different Father’s Day gifts since technically they’re all for the same guy.