This year, on Cinco de Mayo, I will sip a Dos Equis and think about what it really means to be Mexican. Assuming my asshole boss at ICE lets me have the day off, that is.

One of these is true:

That’s good work.

Is no one getting this?

Your being obtuse. Your probably a racist to.

It’s called an umlaut, you racist.

If you could only play commercial jingles while getting it on, what would be your go-to to create the sexiest vibes?

You claim the deer semen is valuable, but I always thought it came in under a buck.

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

Scene: President Trump sitting at Resolute Desk in Oval Office, pretending to read a briefing. In walks a nervous, trifling British man, clearing his throat.

You’re just mad because in your fan fiction, Melania gets cucked by a black guy.

POWch right in the kisser

So they tried to team up and slam it home, but this time Vasselin was no help.

Pizza with several kinds of meat plus black olives.

“Governor Christie, it must be nice to have your family around you on your last day in office.”

“Well lemme answer your question with a question...why do y’all let little boys run around and stick their fingers in dykes?”

When you shower at your agent’s house, it’s best not to get Wood.

TPS crisis?

I’m gonna ask him if he wants to know how the play ends.

Hamlet seemed kinda mopey tbh.