Security: “I need you to take that pig and get outta here.”

Nice of Anna Kournoikova to fulfill the Make-a-Wish for that sweet little simple boy.

Yes, as rapists and thieves.

“People think in terms of children, but they’re really young adults. I have a love for these people.”

I mean, he didn’t use the word “uppity” so progress?

Are you hiring?

Tom Llamas slaps Costco samples out of children’s hands because they’re clearly not Members.

(taking notes)

He’s no Davehuman, that’s for damn sure.

It’s striking how many of the actors have to brag, almost Trumpishly, about how great they were, walking that fine line between egotistic and insecure. All in all, a terrifically fun piece to read. Thanks!

No Catechism for this Pope.

I thought Canada was “EH”

I hope I’m wrong, but I think you just gave your wife permission to have all the D in China.

The “president” would be absolutely triggered by that picture!

Court records show he changed his name...to “Dillon Ulysses Hopper” in 2006.

Quick, someone call the cops on Eric Trump.

“At least you got the better penises.”

The funeral music will not feature Robert Plant.

“Wasn’t me this time.”

Great, fucking Dwayne was outside my window last night.